'Survivor' recap: Cochran spills the beans

There’s nothing more annoying than the self-proclaimed reality show "evil mastermind," is there?

Oh, wait.

"Survivor" castaway Cochran isn’t evil: "I consider myself a strategist, and maybe even a mastermind," he said during last night’s episode. "But not an evil mastermind."

Either way, he’s not as smart as he thinks he is.

But before we get to the hot mess that is Cochran, let’s go back to the beginning.

Last week, Ozzy made one of the craziest moves in the game’s history: He asked to be voted out, so he could go to Redemption Island, beat Christine and come back to his tribe.

I certainly thought this was a dumb move on the Ozz-man’s part. But I couldn’t help but root for him during the duel, even after that awful, awkward speech he gave trying to convince the other tribe that he’d been duped by Cochran.

He laid it on way too thick (just shut up, Ozzy!), and nobody from Upolu, Coach’s tribe, was buying it.

He went onto handily beat Christine (no surprise there), and then it was time for the merge. With both tribes coming in with six members each, the talk quickly turned to who could be turned.

"It’s six on six," Jim reminded us. "Everybody’s looking for an in."

Enter Cochran.

Ozzy’s grand plan had two parts — first get sent to Redemption, win and come back for the merge; then have Cochran infiltrate Upolu and work as a double agent to help their tribe get the upper hand post-merge.

At this point, I really started to worry. Why, oh why, would they put all their eggs in Cochran’s basket?

While I had my doubts, Cochran was confident he was up to the task: "I think if anyone in this game is capable of being a double agent, it’s me. I’ve already been pretending like I like these people on my tribe for these last 18 days. I think I deserve an Academy Award for that performance."

It wasn’t long before Cochran was considering flipping to Upolu (shocker!), especially after a chat with Coach, who bonded with him about being an outcast.

"I’ve been made fun of my whole life," he said. "I might be the dragon slayer right now. But I know what it feels like."

Now, I’ll be the first one to agree that Ozzy and the rest of Savaii haven’t treated Cochran very well (but I’m not going to cry about it like Dawn), and I’m usually the first person to defend and root for an underdog.

But Cochran drives me crazy. His social game is almost as terrible as his physical one. He doesn’t know when to shut up and is constantly overanalyzing everything. For a supposed "Survivor" super fan, he isn’t faring very well.

So, to flip or not to flip?

He’s obviously the lowest man on the Savaii totem pole, but he probably will be on Upolu, too; those six are pretty tight, and I can’t see the socially awkward Cochran breaking any of their bonds.

But Coach was pretty confident he’d pulled Cochran over to their side.

"I’ve convinced him that he will be valued and loved over here," he said, as we were treated to a montage of Cochran talking and laughing with the members of Upolu. "I’ve convinced Cochran … that the weak will finally become strong. That the nerd will finally rise up to the bully and give him a bully beat down."

Now I’m not sure Cochran exactly gave anyone a beat-down, but he certainly turned the tables on his tribe.

He stuck with them for the first vote, a tie between Upolu’s Rick and Savaii’s Keith, but made his move during the second one, sending Keith packing to Redemption Island (this, I didn’t mind; Keith has always seemed like a cocky jerk).

But, oh, the fireworks that followed!

Cochran immediately turned around and confessed his sin to Ozzy: "I swapped. I’ll explain it."

Is this really the move of a master strategist, putting your tail between your legs and immediately revealing your subterfuge?

Jim, another castaway I can’t stand, was horrified — just horrified! — that the guy he’d treated like crap all season would go against him and kept calling Cochran a coward in the kind of holier-than-thou tone reality contestants always use when they’ve been betrayed.

(It’s something that never fails to baffle me; you come on a show that’s all about betrayal, yet you’re shocked and appalled when someone does exactly that?)

Then Brandon jumped to Cochran’s defense.

"Don’t talk to him like that," he told Jim. "That’s what you get for talking to people like that in the first place."

Then, as they were packing up to head back to camp, he looked up at Cochran with doe eyes and said, "Stay close to me."

A nice gesture, sure. But sorry, Brando, it doesn’t make up for all your crazy.

So, here’s the problem with this season: I really don’t like many of these people.

Ozzy and Coach are too cocky for their own good (I cringe pretty much every time Coach opens his mouth). Brandon is crazy. Jim is self-righteous and, like Cochran, not nearly as clever as he thinks he is. Sophie and Dawn are annoying. Edna and Rick barely speak.

That leaves us with Albert, who looks like he might be considering a flip in the previews for next week.

Maybe he can be the mastermind Cochran wishes he could be.