'American Horror Story' one wild, weird ride

Full disclosure: I didn’t actually watch all of FX’s new series "American Horror Story."

Oh, I finished the show all right, but spent most of the first episode with my hands covering my eyes.

It’s full of those horror-movie moments when you just know something is lurking behind that door or underneath those basement stairs, waiting to jump out and get you.

The series, which comes from the creators of "Glee" and "Nip/Tuck," is also just plain weird.

It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen on TV before, and boy is it going to be polarizing.

You’ll either love it or hate it; I, unfortunately, hated it and feel horribly guilty because it stars one of our very own, Lynchburg native Connie Britton ("Friday Night Lights," this is not).

The story goes like this: After Vivien (Britton) suffers a devastating miscarriage and catches her psychiatrist husband, Ben (Dylan McDermott), cheating, they move across the country and into a creepy Victorian house with their troubled teen daughter (Taissa Farmiga).

They’re looking to start over, but couldn’t have chosen a worse place. This is the kind of house that any horror movie fan worth his or her salt would run far, far away from.

The last owners died in a murder-suicide (strike one). Their dog starts barking at nothing in particular, which is never a good sign (strike two). And one of their neighbors tells Vivien she’s going to die there (um, that’s basically strikes three through 10).

Not long after they move in, a woman shows up and says she’s been the maid there for years; Vivien and pretty much everyone else sees her as an older woman (played by Frances Conroy), while Ben inexplicably sees a much younger woman who takes that whole sexy maid stereotype a tad too seriously.

Then they find an S&M suit — we’re talking all black leather, with a hood — in the attic, and someone who may or may not be Ben starts wandering around the house in it (Ben begins sleepwalking, you see, so we don’t know if it’s him; I shudder to think about who else it could be).

We also meet one of Ben’s deranged patients and a badly burned man who used to live in the house.

Basically, one deal breaker after another. Yet the family stays in the house.

And I have a feeling they’ll continue living there even after they discover that it is most definitely haunted (think "The Shining") and that something really awful lives in the basement (think anything featuring a blood-thirsty, scary-looking monster).

There won’t be a show if they move out, but that’s going to be a major problem moving forward: How long will it be believable for them to stay there, when any normal person would already be gone?

Even if I could suspend my disbelief, nothing else makes any sense. The action moves randomly and jarringly from one scene to another, as if the writers just threw anything and everything at the wall and didn’t care what worked and what didn’t.

They’re being weird just to be weird, not to serve a larger story. It’s all too much.

I’m moving out now, before things get any worse.